Domestic Violence Doesn’t Always Look Like You Expect with Karla Docter

Jordan D’Nelle  0:01 

Welcome to Vaginas Vulvas and Vibrators with Jordan D’Nelle. This is a safe place to learn about women’s health and sexual wellness. I’m your host Jordan D’Nelle, physician assistant, women’s sexual educator and intimacy coach. On today’s episode, we are talking about domestic violence. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And I thought that this was a really important topic to share with all of you. Domestic violence affects about one in three women in particular, I think that that is a really high number and a reason why we need to be having this conversation. In this episode, you are going to learn how to support a friend family member who is going through this maybe you have gone through domestic violence or if you’re currently in a relationship that is experiencing domestic violence kind of what to do next. So this is a very informational episode, and I hope you enjoy before we get into today’s episode.

I want to tell you a little bit about the Worthy Woman’s Brunch series. November 21 is the first ever Worthy Woman’s Brunch event. It is a zoom, live call with myself, Rachel Maine and Megan Aldridge Krueger, some of the best sexuality and confidence coaches that are out there. This is going to be jam packed with how to get through the holiday season feeling confident, worthy, empowered, and dealing with the stress and everything else that comes with the holiday season. We are setting you up to start 2022 with a bang. To get more information about the Worthy Woman’s Brunch go to Worthy.JordanDnelle.com. We look forward to having you join us.

Joining me today is Karla Docter. She is a transformational speaker, author, coach, and domestic violence survivor. She is the founder of Empower Khan, an international women’s empowerment conference and retreat, and she is also the founder of venture life. Carla is on a mission to empower educate, energize any equipped others with the skills, tools, and resources to heal and transform their lives. Carla is a survivor of over a decade of domestic abuse and sexual violence, and then worked tirelessly as the advocate, mentor and trainer for survivors and professionals for over 12 years. Knowing there was more for her to do. She received an elite life coach certification and then began to transform lives through coaching training and speaking to reach people around the globe in 2016. Karla received her bachelor’s in science in criminal justice, a minor in psychology and a certificate in forensic science. She was also a certified domestic and sexual violence response professional. She graduated from the Oklahoma Victim Assistance Academy and many more certifications and trainings. Throughout her career. She has had the honor to be appointed to serve on the Sex Offender Management Team. Oklahoma’s governor’s task force on sexual assault evidence collection and the Human Trafficking Task Force just to name a few. Additionally, Karla is very active in the community serves on many committees, volunteers, and has been named by the journal record as a woman making a difference, and an achiever under 40. She is also recognized by the Business Times 21 leaders for the 21st century, Carla loves to help other women know, love, and trust themselves, others and the universe so that they can attract and receive love people and opportunities that set their soul on fire.

Well, Karla, do you want to go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself and about your journey related to domestic violence and why you’re so passionate about domestic violence?

Karla Docter  4:16 

Yes, so hello, thank you for having me. My, my journey started when I was 15. My very first relationship was an unhealthy relationship. And so, from 15 to about 25 I was in unhealthy abusive, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, verbally abusive relationships. And so that led me down a path that I tried to repress kind of everything it was that I had felt and everything that I had experienced. I didn’t really feel like I had words to go with what it was that I was experiencing. And I can remember in high school that we had an open lunch. And every day after lunch, I would come back to class, and I would be crying or upset. Because my ex would threaten to break up with me because somebody looked at me or if I didn’t give him lunch money, or whatever, but every single day, it felt like there is this new battle. And it upset me later on as an adult, once I knew what it was that I was going through, that there were all of these red flags and signs where somebody could have intervened. And they didn’t. And I feel like nowadays, we talk about it more. And maybe that’s just because I’ve been in the industry. And I’ve spent the last 14 years speaking out about it and learning and serving and helping others. And so that’s kind of how it all started. But during that time, I was then raped by a friend in college. And I was robbed and held at gunpoint. And so, I had all of this compounded trauma. And when I reached out and told somebody about something that had happened, that she questioned me, and she said, Are you sure that happened? And from that point, I thought, well, if my best friend doesn’t believe me, who would with law enforcement, believe me when my parents believed me, that I just wrapped everything up in a pretty little bow and stuffed it down deep and built these walls with bricks and steel and barbed wire, and guarded myself and I thought, well, if I can pretend like this didn’t happen, then maybe it will just go away. And little did I know. But that’s not how it works. When we experience trauma, there’s chemicals that flow from our brain through our system, emotionally, energetically, we are affected by trauma. And all of these experiences the way that people talk to us, and how we take on other people’s thoughts, ideas and beliefs about ourselves. For so long, I was told I was fat, dumb, ugly, stupid, worthless, never amount to anything would never be in a relationship, or someone would treat me any better than he would. And after a period of time, you start to believe that. And so, all of this stuff just compounded on top of itself. And after I graduated college, I ended up getting a DUI, driving under the influence. And I was able to pinpoint and back to when I had control over drinking too when I didn’t. And it was that assault. And from that, I then dove deep into my healing journey, and really started to try to understand and they got books and they went to the coffee shop. And there was all of these signs that this is the route that I was supposed to go like I went to college for criminal justice, psychology and forensic science, I was gonna be CSI before as a popular TV show. But then was like, I didn’t go through all of this just to go through this. It’s time for me to stand up and share my journey, in hopes that I can help other people heal through this. But also, part of my higher purpose is to lay the groundwork foundation and footprints to eventually end domestic and sexual violence. So that’s kind of how I got to where I am now, I worked at a nonprofit for over 12 years serving survivors and then started my journey as a coach as well, and kind of taking things to another level and speaking out about it.

Jordan D’Nelle  9:03 

Wow, that’s so that’s a lot. And thank you for sharing that. It’s so relatable too and I feel like a lot of the listeners will maybe hear aspects of that and be like, Oh, wow, I could have I really needed to hear that. And I don’t know, it just really resonates with me like what you’re saying. So, what is domestic violence?

Karla Docter  9:26 

So, domestic violence comes in so many different forms, right? I think most people think of domestic violence as this physical violence abuse. You know, you think of someone who has black and blue eyes and broken arms and while those things happen, all too often. I think a lot of times we don’t understand all of these internal wounds that other people can’t see the emotional and verbal abuse putting someone down making them feel less than that. Domestic violence is about power and can control. It’s about one person exerting and taking power away from someone else to make them feel less than. And then there’s all of these different ways that abusers and perpetrators utilize that. But it’s really this control thing. And the more someone can be made to feel less than and unworthy, the more likely they are to stay in that relationship. Like I said, Before, I had this ex who said, You’ll never find someone who’s going to treat you any better. And I was very young in my dating journey. And so I thought, well, maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. My parents, they had a healthy loving, still high school sweethearts, living their best life. And I thought, well, maybe this is just how it is behind closed doors, because it’s not something that you typically see, right. And if it gets to the point where the violence and the put downs, and all of that happens in front of other people, that’s a red flag and a high lethality risk factor because that that abuser is getting to the point where they don’t really care if anybody finds out about them. Because they’re typically very cool, calm, suave, charming, charming individuals, and both men and women can be abusers. And both men and women can be the victims as well. So this is not a gender thing. I typically talk about it like that because that’s how we see it majority of the time. But yeah, this, it’s all stems back to this power and control.

Jordan D’Nelle  11:38 

You brought up some of the different types of domestic violence, like emotional, financial, do you maybe want to elaborate a little bit more on the different types?

Karla Docter  11:49 

Absolutely. So, the verbal abuse, right? Is the name calling the demeaning, fat, dumb, ugly, stupid, worthless, right? Like all of the verbal things, which also in turns comes with that emotional, but there’s also like this gaslighting that people abusers tend to do, where they say things to where you start to question your own reality, right? Like, you describe something as it happened like this, right? ABC? And they’re like, No, it was CBA. And they’re so convincing that you start to second guess in question to where you don’t even know what’s true, or not anymore. And so, then you’re like, well, maybe it is CBA. You know, it may be me, that is how it happened. So, there’s this gaslighting to where they make you feel crazy, or that didn’t happen, right? And you start to question your own self, the financial abuse, we see this so often, because it comes across as this very sweet, charming thing where this individual and the abuser, they want to take care of you. They don’t want you to work, you are such a great, you are such a great mom. And I would love it if you would just be a stay-at-home mom and take care of her whole household and our family. Well, now, this individual relies upon their abuser, for financial freedoms, they don’t have a work history, right? They don’t have like, the means necessary to go in flee and escape, if that’s what they needed to do. There’s so much isolation that’s also associated with this where they pin all of your friends and family against you. Well, she doesn’t have your best interests at heart, I do. I love you. I’m your person. Right. And so, they push all these other people away. So now, they don’t have a support system. Or oftentimes, you know, like we, as survivors, even when you’re going through it, you might find somebody to reach out to, but the response from that other person was not loving, warm and accepting it was victim blaming and shaming. And well, if you just would have done the dishes, and he wouldn’t have done that. It’s like, well, doing the not doing the dishes doesn’t justify somebody to treat you like that. And so you reach out for help you don’t get the right type of help. Or those friends, they try, they help. And they leave for the night. But then they go back, and we see that again and again. And again. I mean, that typically takes someone seven or eight times of leaving an abusive relationship before they can leave it successfully and safely. It’s a process. And so, a lot of that comes down to that financial peace, right? And so, there are great services out there that can help you get a job or free shelters and services that can help you become financially independent. And with children, if children are involved, that’s oftentimes another thing because they lack of work, don’t feel like they have the financial means to be able to take care of their children, or their abuser threatened to take full custody of the children. And so oftentimes they choose to stay because it’s easier, they know what it’s gonna be like. And although it’s scary and challenging, but fear of the unknown and leaving, and not knowing for sure, like what this person might do, because they’ve done some pretty terrible things and said some pretty terrible things, that if they stay, it’s kind of become their new normal, unfortunately. And then yeah, so those are some of the different some of the different types.

Jordan D’Nelle  16:01 

Yeah, I think that’s a very good description of the common types of domestic violence that we see. How common is domestic violence?

Karla Docter  16:12 

It is more common than I would like to say. But statistically, worldwide, one in three women globally experienced intimate partner, and sexual violence. And especially for young women, one in four young women aged 15 to 24 years old, have been in a relationship that’s and has already experienced intimate partner violence by the time they reach their mid-20s. So, it’s such a critical period. You know, it’s ironic, right? 15 to 24, when that was my time frame for myself personally, that we start having conversations about it, that we start helping empower our youth to set those boundaries to look for red flags and warning signs, but it’s not all on us as women, or those of us who have been victimized, right, that, you know, what I dislike a lot about some prevention programs, is that it’s not about us having to always physically protect ourselves. But it’s also about training people, how to have healthy conversations, how to resolve conflict, how to treat people with love and respect, that it doesn’t have to be this power imbalance that, that it has to be this give or take this all or nothing, that if we can infuse the skills, starting with our youth, and bringing that through, then we can start having better conversations. And then it doesn’t have to turn out to be such a worldwide health crisis because it is because this affects our bottom dollar for mental health, for physical health, for mental health and well-being right, you experience these traumas, traumas stays in the body, it causes dis ease, and all of these other things. And then we have, I could go on and on. That’s a whole other side to end it. But yeah, so it is more common than we would, then I would really like to.

Jordan D’Nelle  18:31 

Wow, that’s I didn’t realize how common it is. And it’s just so, so interesting. Like, as you’re saying that what comes to mind, to me is more education in schools. And I see that from like a sexual health standpoint for kind of the things that I really do. But really, it comes down to we got to get this information out to all children at a younger age, so that they are able to grow up knowing what is healthy, knowing what is unacceptable. And how to communicate like that is so important. Because I think that most of us don’t know how to communicate. We may not see healthy communication at home. And it just, yeah, I love that. You brought up red flags in kind of what to look for, what are some or educating youth on what the red flags are? What are some of the major red flags that you see are warning signs?

Karla Docter  19:33 

So some of the good beginning indicators, these red flags, someone who is hyper critical or judgmental of you and the things that you do so if they’re constantly putting you down, or judging or criticizing you for your beliefs for what you do for how you act, what you look like all of those things. People who ignore your boundaries that you have set, people who are possessive and or controlling. And there is a tiny bit of jealousy, that’s, that’s okay. Right? That’s that can be safe. But it’s it gets to the point where it’s overly jealous, like, somebody else would look at me. And that would cause a thing where I was then being attacked by my partner, because somebody else looked at me, right, as if you as if you weren’t your own human, that you were somebody else’s property in that like possessive jealousy, and controlling the manipulation, the gaslighting, if you’re made to feel stupid, or crazy or less than, and you start to kind of spin, if they constantly tell you that you’re too emotional, or to this or to that, you know that that’s just putting these deeper wounds inside of our souls. You know, it doesn’t start, it doesn’t start with the physical violence, typically, right? If you went on a first date with someone, and they punched you, or smacked you, there’s a good chance, you’re not going to go out on another date with that person, right. But like after this kind of grooming phase, where it starts off, all beautiful, and the romantic, and they’re sweet, and they open the car door for you, and all of these things, and then they start to kind of catch you down. And then it’s like, slowly chipping away. It’s not just this instant, and sometimes it is, but most of the time, it starts off great. And then it leads and builds. And there’s actually it’s called the power and control wheel. And you can actually follow this cycle of violence to where it becomes so predictable to what’s going to happen. That you know, after that loving phase, and then there’s this builds up where they start to cut you down, and then boom, there’s a big incident. And then it’s oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do that, again, the apology phase, right? They bring you flowers, and all these things. And I’m so sorry, and I love you and I would never hurt you. And then it just kind of starts all over again. And it goes in this cycle. And we see what they were capable of. Right? Because when you first start dating them, you’re like, where’s this person? First, this person that I first started dating, where did they go? Oh, I can just love them through this right and we stick with it. Because when it’s good, it’s so good. When it’s bad, it’s bad, right? So, the physical abuse, pushing you using their body as a form of intimidation, so blocking doorways, hovering over you, right. So, there’s like that physical intimidation, as well as the physical abuse them telling you what to do, where to go, who you can and cannot talk to. So really going back into that control factor. And then humiliation, humiliation, not only one on one, but in front of your children, in front of your friends in front of your family, and especially in front of their friends, they just want to make you feel like you are lower than the gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe. And so that humiliation factor. And it’s really terrible when it’s in front of the children. Because now they’re teaching the children how to treat mom or dad, whoever is the victim in this situation. And so, it’s really terrible. It’s really terrible. Both those are some of the most common red flags to look for.

Jordan D’Nelle  23:50 

It’s so interesting that you talk about that cycle, because that is exactly how I explained my last relationship. Like when it’s good, it was great. And when it was bad, it was bad. And I think that when I look at like my friends and my family, pretty much every single one of them have been in some type of domestic violence relationship at some point in their life. And I think something that I would love to hear from you is like, what advice do you have for women who are currently in domestic violence relationships? How, what do they do next? Because I know like, for me, I was very trapped. Like, it’s hard. It’s really hard and, you know, deep down what you need to do, but you can’t do it. At least that was my experience.

Karla Docter  24:41 

I guess the first thing that I would say to anybody who was in, well, anybody who’s listening to this period, you are beautiful, worthy, and deserving of a healthy happy, joyful life. Let me repeat that. You are a beautiful, worthy, and deserving person. I think that when we’re in these situations, and they cut us down, and we, I know for myself, I’ll speak for myself here. My self-esteem was brought down so low, that it was like, I didn’t even care what you did to me anymore. When I was in some of these relationships, I would drink to black out, so I didn’t have to fight at the end of the night. And when I discovered that I was worthy of something more like I got this download, call it God, the universe, Divine Source Energy, whatever it is. But it was like, I deserve more than this. And I remember terrible fight. Because when I was going to school, I initially went for I was going to go for occupational therapy. And we got in this fight because I was going to work with other guys. And if I worked with other guys that automatically in his mind, I was sleeping with them or whatever. And I thought, Well, surely this does not how it supposed to be. And I remember going home and waking up my mom and saying, Mom, I don’t want to live if this is what life is going to be like. And I kind of hit this like rock bottom. And I was reminded that I was worthy and deserving of more. And so, I think the first step, to actually be able to reach out for help is knowing that you deserve more. If we have a desire on our heart for a better relationship, for a better situation for a better life, more money, a better job, whatever it is, you have a desire on your heart is meant for you. And here’s the beautiful thing. worthiness is not something that you are worthiness is your birthright. And so, if you have a desire, you are worthy of it, because you are here right now in this moment, living and breathing. And so, it is for you. So, the first step for me was to know that I was worthy and deserving of something more. And then was reaching out and asking for help. So, I didn’t know, back when I was 15. What I know now right after working at shelters that served survivors, but there are 24 hotlines. There are people who their, their main mission and focus on this planet is to serve you and to support you. And so, they’re free services, 24-hour hotlines, there’s a national 24 hour hotline, and we’ll be sure to put that in the show notes for you. But it’s reaching out and get support from a professional. And I say a professional. It’s good to have good support systems. But my main concern is your safety and your well-being and your children’s safety and well-being. And so, there are certain things and a safety plan that can be set up for you so that you can leave safely. Because the lethality increases when people are leaving an unhealthy relationship. And so, talking to an advocate and a support person who their main job is to love You and to support you and to not judge you, no matter how many times you call that hotline, no matter how many times you leave, and you stay in that shelter. They know they get it. We’ve been doing this for a very long time. There’s a lot of training. And it’s people who are not going to re-victimize and blame you for what it was that you had experienced. Because I think that’s a sad but true thing because a lot of people don’t know the dynamics of this. So sometimes, when we reach out to support from friends and family, they don’t necessarily get it. That’s why I say please reach out talk to a professional especially crisis center that serve domestic violence and sexual assault would be your best bet.

Jordan D’Nelle  25:27 

That’s crazy advice. And we’ll definitely include all that in the show notes as far as where to reach out. I know that like I haven’t been the best supporter in certain situations. Like I’ve had people when I was younger come to me and say hey, I need a safe place and offer a safe place but then after 6, 7, 8, 9 times going away. It’s I know that I haven’t said the nicest things and I’ve definitely re-victimized. I think that it’s important to find a professional because a lot of us aren’t trained on what to do in that situation. So, now I am more aware of how important the support is. And maybe that’s something we can talk about, like, if you have a friend going through this, how do you help support them, so that they know that you are there for them no matter what?

Karla Docter  30:25 

Oh, I love that. That’s a beautiful question. And one, we’ve all had the wrong response to somebody. Right? So, for all of those, you know, I did too, when I was in it, right? i We don’t know what we don’t know. So, I also want to give you all permission to forgive yourself. And release that if we have done that. But when a friend reaches out, be there, I believe you, I support you. I will be here for you. Let me help you. I love you. When you’re ready, I’m ready. Right. And I know that it can be challenging, right, especially again and again and again. But really sometimes leading them to guide to make that phone call together. Hey, you know what I know of this 24-hour hotline, don’t just give somebody a 24-hour hotline and expect them to call because they’re probably not going to if they come to you, you’re in a safe space, say you know what I know of an organization that can help. Every single state has a crisis center and emergency shelter. There’s a knit national hotline, there’s global resources. And so, say, hey, you know what, why don’t we call this together. And that way it, they’re, they feel that love and that support. And you can help too, you can help guide them. And if you have a friend and say that they’re not even in your presence, you can call the hotline and get advice to say, hey, you know what, I have this friend, she’s going through this thing, how can I be a good support person for her or him right. And so, it’s really like, you can help be that conduit to help facilitate this change for them by doing those things together, and partnering, but most importantly, we’re not there to judge them. We’re there to support them and hold that space for them. Because they’ve had enough judging, they’ve had enough criticism, they’ve had enough disbelief and all of these other things placed on them, that the best thing that we can do is just love them and support them and tell them that when they’re ready, you’ll be there and express how concerned you are for their safety, especially if like high lethality factors are especially the physical abuse, abuse when you’re pregnant, physical abuse when you’re pregnant, as well, if there’s guns in the home, if there’s mental health, if there’s been any threats, right, suicidal threats, if I can’t have you know, one well, right, these are all like, when you call the hotline, they’ll actually go through a lethality assessment, where they’ll say, okay, you know, this is, I’m very concerned for your safety. And most people, when it comes down to the children, is actually when they tend to leave, because like I said, Before, it was like, you know, your self-esteem is broken down so much and do what you want to me. But then when they see how it could be affecting their children, that’s when they kind of draw the line. And they’re like, do what you want to me, but touch our child, and it’s done. And that’s oftentimes when we would see people see people leave. So holding that space loving and supporting them being there for when they are ready, no matter how many times it takes them, and then go on this journey together. Hey, let’s go here, I will help you. I will, you know, let’s call this number together and be that support person and to say, I am afraid for your safety, and I am afraid for the safety of your children.

Jordan D’Nelle  34:11 

That’s beautiful. I think that a lot of people who are victims, they don’t tell their friends, the whole story. They only tell part of what’s going on. And what you hear about is just the tip of the iceberg. And there’s really so much more going on underneath, too. So, I think that’s really great advice for anybody who wants to help support their friends who are potentially in a relationship like this. What advice do you have for women who have gone through a relationship like this to help them heal?

Karla Docter  34:46 

So, I have two different responses depending on where you are in the journey. So, if you are currently in an unhealthy relationship, I highly encourage urge you to go to a service provider who specializes in domestic and sexual violence, because it’s such a different world. And when we bring in religious beliefs and all of these other things, and then it can affect the healing. So, talking to somebody who is trained in a trauma informed fashion, you know, I had a boss when she reached out to us, not all churches are like this. But when she reached out to, she was a pastor’s daughter. And when she reached out to her church, saying that her husband was going to kill her, he said, Well, till death do us part. Well, at this point, he broke her neck already, and she’s like, I am going to die like, this is not okay. And so that’s why I emphasize going to a facility who can provide this additional level of healing and support and seek those crisis intervention services, counseling is likely going to be free from those facilities, the support, the advocacy, the safety planning, those are all free. And the healing journey starts to come from when you start to take your power back, right? healing begins when you can start to forgive others for any harm that that has happened, the more that we hold on to things, the more we’re hurting ourselves, and we’re halting our ability to fully heal. And it’s not easy. It’s not just like, oh, I can just forgive this person for doing all these terrible things to me, but not forgiving somebody in the long run is like drinking poison yourself and hoping that the other person’s going to die, right. It’s something that you are continuously doing, and you’re continuing to give your power away to somebody else by not releasing them. So current crisis situation, seeking help from those crisis intervention services. Now, if you’re someone who has in your lifetime, now, it’s been a while you’re not in a constant state of panic, or anxiety or going through these trauma triggers on a regular, but it’s affecting your ability to have relationships, it’s affecting your ability to be an entrepreneur, it’s affecting your ability to show up in your fullest expression to use your voice to stand in your power, because that’s what I see a lot with entrepreneurs in leaders is that we have these other tapes still playing in the back of our mind, from these past situations. Although I’ve healed from some of the you know, a lot a decade’s worth of trauma, right. I’m still to this day, uncovering new things and releasing them. And there are some really beautiful techniques that I like to do. One is breath work. So, it’s using the power of the breath, to help heal your mind, body and soul. And it’s like a guided session. It’s a twostep, breathing movement, where it’s like belly, chest, exhale, all through the mouth. It’s completely different experience. And I actually just got trained to be able to facilitate that. So, I’m really excited. So, like using breath work, using tapping. So, there’s something called EFT. And then I am going through this other program called R R T. And it’s a Rapid Relief technique. And with that, it’s a way where you’ve heard of Acupuncture, right where you 60 needles. Well, think of this as a form of acupressure. So, you’re actually tapping on different parts of your body to release energetic blocks. Like I said before, when we go through trauma, chemicals and things are released through our throughout our body, and we store it in places. And so, this releases us energetically. So those are some of the things and journaling. Journaling helped me through so many different things, just keeping track of that path and just having that space. I think the biggest thing has really been coming from that knowingness of your worthiness and your deservingness and starting from that place, and know that you are worthy of that relationship that you’re seeking, you’re worthy of that job or whatever journey it is that you’re on, that you are worthy and deserving of that and to invest in the next level of care and help and support or just read about it, because that’s when I started and when I started my healing journey, I got some books on domestic violence and sexual assault and I was like, wow, I finally felt validated, I felt seen, I felt heard. And I felt understood. Because throughout life, I felt like I was taking crazy pills and other people, like, nobody could understand, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here. And when you start to learn more about it, you can understand that you are just having a natural response to the trauma that you’ve experienced. And starting from that point can start releasing it. But there’s forgiveness, there’s somatic techniques, there’s shaking, there’s dancing, there’s breathwork, there’s meditation journaling, I like to say I have a she shed full of tools to help for whatever it is that we’re going through. But it’s beautiful, to be able to kind of just pull in and see what you need.

Jordan D’Nelle 40:43

I love that. I know there’s some great resources to utilize to help go through particularly this type of trauma but any type of trauma processing. I found all of that very helpful in my journey. What are some of the books that you love that maybe you would maybe recommend?

Karla Docter 41:01

Ooooh, I would say one of the first books that really started me on this journey was A New World by Eckhart Tolle. And so much of what I learned from that not only helped myself heal but then provided me tools on what I could say and respond to other people, right, like this too shall pass. You know the only moment that we have is now. So, it’s really this beautiful journey. Definitely a book that then when I went through my next kind of chapter of stuff, having the rug pulled out from underneath me, I went back, and I read that book and it was just so incredible that the nuggets you can take away from it are going to be completely different than the first 3 times that you read it. For the domestic violence or rape. For rape, one of my favorite books is Recovering from Rape by Linda Ledray, and what was really powerful about that book was it shows you from the survivor’s point of view but also as a secondary survivor. So, a secondary survivor is the friend/family support person of somebody who’s experienced it. So, it’s like when somebody freaks out about a backpack; it’s like it’s not about the backpack, right? And so, it helps the secondary support person to say, ‘Ok, when they respond like this, these are healthy  safe ways you can help guide and love them’ versus ‘Oh, just get over it; it’s just a backpack, come on, you know, get on with your life.’ So, that was a good one. And then the domestic violence book, oh my gosh it’s escaping me right now, but I want to say it was When Violence Begins at Home, I want to say is the title. I can give you a list of some good books; I’ll make note of that, and I’ll give you a list of some really good books that I have used and I have recommended to other survivors.

Jordan D’Nelle 43:06

I would love that. I personally love to read to learn and grow but having that resource list will be very helpful for other people that I know who have been in this similar situation. This conversation has been absolutely amazing. I am so glad I connected with you to have this conversation.  If the listeners take one thing away from today’s conversation, what would you want it to be?

Karla Docter 43:30

I would want it to be two things. I would want them to 1) know that they’re not alone and whate3ver journey or obstacle that you are going through that you’re not alone and that there are people who are in there who want to love and support you. And if you can’t find anybody else near you, I am here because I love and support you. I don’t know who you are, but I love and support you. And then, 2) you are worthy and deserving of whatever is on your heart, that you don’t have to do anything to earn that; worthiness is your birthright.

Jordan D’Nelle 44:15

That’s perfect. Where can the listeners find you at?

Karla Docter  44:20

You can find me on Instagram and Facebook at @KarlaDocter. KarlaDocter on all of the socials, and then my current website is venturelifecoaching.com but you’ll see more action happening over on the socials.

Jordan D’Nelle 44:46

I love that! Well, thank you so much for joining me today.

Karla would love to hear from you. Connect with her on social media and get her free Attract Your Ideal Day Guide by going to venturelifecoaching.com/ideal.

This episode is sponsored by Pure Romance by Jordan Jones offering top bath and beauty products and relationship enhancement items. Check out the link in the bio to start shopping today. By shopping you are supporting this podcast.

Thank you for joining today and continuing to bring awareness to women’s health. If you love the show, please subscribe so you never miss another episode. And leave a review for others to see. If you want to see me on the daily, you can check out my bio for links to all my pages. Be sure to share this episode with your girlfriends’ thanks again and see you next episode.

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