Pleasure Is So Much MORE Than Orgasms with Bridgetta Giles
Jordan D’Nelle 0:01
Welcome to Vaginas, Vulvas, and Vibrators with Jordan D’Nelle, this is a safe place to learn about women’s health and sexual wellness. I’m your host Jordan D’Nelle, physician assistant, women’s sexual health educator and intimacy coach. On today’s podcast we have a guest joining us to talk all about pleasure and pleasure is so much more than orgasms. There is pleasure in everyday life and learning to incorporate that into your daily routine is so important. We are also talking all about the orgasm gap, communication with your partner when it comes to sex and intimacy, and so much more. This episode is jam packed.
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Joining me today is Bridgetta. She is a certified family life educator, sexuality educator, counselor, and the podcast host of Say it to Me Nice, a podcast all about sex, intimacy, sexual communication, pleasure, and women’s sexual health and empowerment. Her vision is simply love and good sex for all. Her primary mission is to close the orgasm gap by creating safe sex-positive spaces that encourage sexual exploration and agency, educates women on their bodies, pleasure, intimacy, and sexual mindfulness, and enhances women’s overall sexual experiences. Well, with that being said, Bridgetta, you want to go ahead and start by telling us what does pleasure look like for you?
Bridgetta Giles 3:02
Oh, that’s a really good question. For me, pleasure looks like freedom, any opportunity that I have to show up as my true authentic self and be able to be soft and beautiful and feminine, or whatever it is, I want to be in that moment. That is what pleasure looks like for me.
Jordan D’Nelle 3:20
I was just curious if with like your clients, that’s something that you start out with – identify what does pleasure even look like because we all have a different definition of what pleasure is and how to incorporate pleasure into our day-to-day life.
Bridgetta Giles 3:36
Absolutely. So, when I’m working with clients, the very first thing I have to understand is, what type of relationship do you have with the word pleasure? Because most people when they hear pleasure, the first thing their mind goes to is people touching private parts. That’s it. And so, I have to start by understanding what level they’re on first and then gently bring them into a broader idea of what pleasure is and identify other areas of their life that pleasure shows up.
Jordan D’Nelle 4:12
Yeah, and when I think of the word pleasure, the first thing that comes to mind is definitely in the bedroom, intimate, and orgasms that type of stuff. But the reality is pleasure in my life includes going to the beach every day working out, bathtubs, sun; sun is huge for me. And there’s so many of us that have not spent time looking at what really brings us pleasure.
Bridgetta Giles 4:43
I love this conversation. So, one of the things for me, that really started my personal journey toward living a pleasure field life is that I’m divorced, happily divorced. That was probably the best decision my ex-husband ever made outside of having our child. But once I was fully divorced, and just was really sitting with myself as a single mother changing income, changing everything, I realized that I had lost so much of who I was being someone’s wife being someone’s mother. And so, I really just sat and journaled, which I don’t journal as often as I probably should. But I remember journaling, and I remember missing being able to go and watch fireflies. I’m from the country. I’m from an extremely rural town in North Louisiana, not even the fun part of Louisiana, North Louisiana. And I remember just how I felt in the warmth in the air, you know, the region is very humid, the warmth in the air and just watching fireflies in the field behind my grandparents’ house. I remember the joy that I was filled with, and I remembered I hadn’t felt that type of joy in many, many years. And so that really started my whole journey toward well, what else am I not doing? Am I not adding in my life that I used to love to do? And why don’t I do it anymore? So, for me, I really took a look at myself. Because again, I have to start with me, I can’t control anyone else. But why did I make the decision to stop? What was it about? Why was everyone else so important? But when it came to me, I was so not important in my own life. So that’s what started it. For me.
Jordan D’Nelle 6:32
That is beautiful. And journaling is so powerful. That’s one of the tools that I’ve used kind of in my own journey, to really help me feel what I feel, express what’s going on, because vocalizing is something that is hard for me, and journaling has just helped so much. Why is pleasure so important for women and especially BIPOC women?
Bridgetta Giles 7:00
That’s a really good question. Love it. So, living a pleasure filled life, choosing yourself is honestly a revolutionary act. So, for much of our history, as a BIPOC woman, much of our history has been fighting simply for the right to live, fighting for the right to exist in spaces that when you think about it, what time did we have to dedicate to pleasure? How much time do we have to dedicate to pleasure? None. We were so busy taking care of our children, taking care of our partners, taking care of the world, that we couldn’t even spend 20 minutes having a bubble bath because there were things that we had to do. So, I think bringing BIPOC women to the center, making them see themselves as worthy of pleasure, worthy of accepting their true authentic selves. So much of the world told us you’re unworthy, you’re dirty, you’re this, you’re that. But being able to just focus on self and know that self is enough, as is the act of revolution. And that’s why it’s so important for us. That’s why everything I do is for the pleasure of BIPOC women.
Jordan D’Nelle 8:20
Yes, I love that. There are so many things that are coming to mind that I’m going to have to share with you after our recording of people that you need to connect with. And you’re giving me so much Instagram inspiration here for things for you to post so sorry, I’m just in my little zone here.
Bridgetta Giles 8:37
Fun! I’m with it; I loved it. I love all of the suggestions you’ve given them to me.
Jordan D’Nelle 8:49
Yes, yes. How do you personally increase your pleasure in day-to-day life?
Bridgetta Giles 8:54
You know what, as pleasure focused as I am and pleasure positive as I am, it is such an intentional act. Intentional to the point that I have reminders on my phone to take five minutes and do this meditation. Take an extra 20 minutes or so – you like baths, I love showers; I will take long showers and I’ll have my meditation music. Or this is so crazy; this is my thing, but if I know that I have not felt desired in a while, if I’m body hungry. . . Who doesn’t just get body hungry? I will take a shower and I will listen to just really sexy music. I have a whole sexy time playlist. I will just let that music play as I shower, and it just makes me feel sexy; makes me feel beautiful. But it’s something that I am intentional about. You know what? I have not had touch in a while, so this is something I want to do for myself. Just forcing myself to take five to 30 minutes to just focus on me every week, I may not be able to get to it every day, but it will be every week.
Jordan D’Nelle 10:18
Yeah, and taking that time and prioritizing yourself is key, because there’s nobody that’s going to prioritize you more than you. Interestingly enough, after we record today, I am planning on doing an eye gazing exercise with myself, to just work on my connection with myself. And it is not a very pleasurable experience. If you’ve ever done this before, it’s very cringe worthy. And it can be very difficult. But a lot of times, I find that those things that are very cringe worthy or difficult are the things that you need the absolute most. And I’ve found with working with my business coach, when I am resistant, resistant to different tasks or activities that she encourages me to try. Those are the ones that have the greatest impact in my day-to-day life and are so valuable. And so, when you’re saying I try to do it once a week. Yeah, of course, we try to do it once a week, but you notice there is a difference when you’re doing it daily vs. weekly. Do you? I know I do.
Bridgetta Giles 11:28
Absolutely. Absolutely is a huge difference; how you see yourself shifts; how you interact with other people shifts. I promise you; I don’t know how TMI I can get, but if I do not have my morning masturbation session, I am a bitch. When I am at work people don’t want to talk to me. I wouldn’t want to talk to me. If I had not taken a few moments in the evening time to have a little glass of wine or Prosecco or just have a moment before I go to bed just to be me, watch some trash TV, something, then when I wake up, I’m just going to be well it’s just another day, here we go again. So, absolutely, daily is best practice. Best practice! But if you’re new to the journey, maybe once a week, then build it up to twice a week, then bump it up to three times a week.
Jordan D’Nelle 12:27
Yes, like you’ve got to start somewhere, ultimately. But if you start incorporating that slowly, but surely, it becomes part of your normal routine and it becomes so much easier. While you were talking, the title of this episode came to mind; so excited about that. It is: Pleasure is so Much More than Orgasms, because it is. And that actually brings me to our next topic, the orgasm gap. So, I know in other episodes I’ve talked about the orgasm gap. But I want to talk to you a little bit more about what is this and how do we educate about it to help close the orgasm gap?
Bridgetta Giles 13:11
Such great questions! Alright, so simply put, the orgasm gap speaks to the fact that since heterosexual women are having orgasms less than every other category first. And honestly, the research shows when you further that or scratch that down to BIPOC Women, cis heterosexual BIPOC women are having orgasms the least out of all cis women. And so, we have to really start shifting everyone’s mindset about what sex is. So, I say that, because so many times we’re taught that sex is something that you do to or someone does to you, versus an experience shared between however many people are involved. So, when we start to shift the understanding and start talking, having open dialogues about pleasure, encouraging people to understand what pleasure is, like you’re doing, understand what pleasure is for them and how to articulate that to partners. There is a disconnect between what I feel and what my partner is doing. What I want and what my partner’s doing. If we can start having conversation pre coitus, I always say it can be sexy during, but prepare, have the conversation beforehand. Like listen, I love nipple stimulation. I have nipple orgasms and if you use these things to my nipples, I will come, and it will be great for all; what do you like? Just having conversations like that when you’re interested in getting into sexual spaces with people, and addressing any trauma or shame associated with sex, with a licensed clinician, or whoever you trust with your healing. I like to say it like that whoever you trust with your healing, sometimes you want to go to a Reiki healer, sometimes you’re going to go want to go to a sex therapist, but whoever it is you trust, having those conversations to help them overcome whatever traumas you may have, whatever sexual shame you may live with. So that’s how I think we can do it.
Jordan D’Nelle 15:45
I love that. And I definitely talk with my clients about being upfront with your partners about what you want. So, I was having a conversation with my mom the other day about this, actually. And she gets shared a lot on this podcast, I know, her friends, listen, whatever it is what it is, but she was telling me about the situation. And she’s like, well, I don’t plan for this to develop anywhere. So, I don’t really need to say that it’s making this I’m not happy with this part. And I was like, Well, if it does develop somewhere in a year from now, you turn around and say, by the way, the last year and a half, I didn’t like this. A) how is your partner going to feel about that? B) even if you don’t know where it’s going, that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve something better. And you can practice using your voice in talking about it, because the first time you talk to your partner about, hey, I really like it when you do this; it’s not going to be like, the easiest thing to do, like, you’re going to have some resistance, it’s going to be a little challenging, you’re probably going to be like, Ooh, did I say that? Right? I don’t know, how did you take it, but you got to talk about it.
Bridgetta Giles 16:57
You have to talk about it. And we like to think for people a lot. We like to think for our partners, and a lot of times we will have it in our chest, or I really don’t like it when he does this. I really wish he would do that. And we have this whole dialogue in our head, and we think, Oh my God, he’s going to be so upset. He’s never going to want to speak to me again. You just made a decision for someone is really that. So, you really made a decision for someone when you close your throat chakra and refuse to speak your truth? Because you don’t know how they were thinking. A good friend of mine. . . He and I were having a conversation about one-night stands. And I’m like, I’ve never had one. In my elder years. I have never had a one-night stand. And I’m always very curious because I do the most sexually. And I think that in my mind, that’s why I haven’t had one, because it is going to be an experience. There may be fireworks, who knows? Maybe pain involved? Who knows? But it’s like how do people navigate the one-night stand? So, he was like, well, much like where your mom was saying, Well, if we know or not, it’s not going to go beyond this. It is what it is. And I’m like, that sounds just dreadful. So do you have a dialogue while you’re doing it or like that you do realize it could be so much better because this person doesn’t really know you like that. If you make it sexy and talk about how you like things done and what you would like to do. Because you deserve to enjoy time, even if it’s just short term. It’s still time out of your life. Make it pleasurable.
Jordan D’Nelle 18:34
Amen. Honestly, some of my best sexual experiences have been with short term hookups where we had bomb ass communication and could talk about what we both wanted, and how to satisfy each other. Those were some of the best for me.
Bridgetta Giles 18:53
Yeah, yeah. See, I am the ocean. My friends call me the ocean because I am that stereotypical chick that is going to fall in love. But it is what it is. We are touching private parts; I love you forever and forever is probably going to be for the next three weeks. But I love you, right now. And so that’s another part of my pleasure journey is okay. I get it. I’m a hopeless romantic. That’s really cool. But what are my boundaries? What are my cut offs? What am I going to just be realistic like, yo, this is going to be some really bomb sex, and that’s what it’s going to be. And then here we go. So that’s a part of pleasure, too is ensuring the pleasure of you. Prioritize self to prioritize pleasure?
Jordan D’Nelle 19:42
Yes, yes. Prioritize what you need and how you feel. And in my opinion, especially with hookups; you really need to prioritize how you’re feeling and if you’re emotionally feeling like hey, this is a little bit too much being open about that. Because otherwise what happens is, you end up falling in love for maybe three weeks. But you get hurt.
Bridgetta Giles 20:11
And then you hurt and then you’re sobbing and crying looking crazy. Not that I’ve done that in a very long time, quite often.
Jordan D’Nelle 20:21
Not me, not at all. It was just a couple months ago. I love it.
Bridgetta Giles 20:31
You really do it; it does take knowing self. Everything we’re talking about is just being very clear with who you are, who you want to show up as and holding true to that keeping your sexual agency, emotional agency, we give so much of our emotion of ourselves away freely. You have the power to keep that shit.
Jordan D’Nelle 20:54
Amen. So, what is one way or some ways to enhance your sexual experience to help close the orgasm gap?
Bridgetta Giles 21:08
I would say number one, get acquainted with who you are as a sexual being first. Sit with yourself. I have this activity that I used to have my couples do as an assignment that I gave them that they did outside of the office. It was called Mirror Mirror, where they sat across from each other, completely naked, and they would pleasure themselves in front of their partner. And their partner was to pay attention to how they touch themselves. Pay attention to their breathing, pay attention to what brought them the most pleasure. And just really take it, take a study of what’s happening with your partner. Didn’t have to bring yourself to orgasm. You didn’t have to, I mean, if it led to partner sex cool, but most importantly, you presented it, you showed it to your partner. I would say take that same understanding, get in front of a mirror and pleasure yourself in front of the mirror so that you can see what you’re doing, so that you can better articulate to your partner – I did this and this feels good when I touch here. I think it would feel really, really nice if you kissed here, if you sucked here. Having that conversation with your partner, again make it fun, make it sexy, make it whatever brings you less anxiety. Me, I’m a jokester, when I’m nervous I chuckle a lot. I have this really bad nervous laugh; it’s ridiculous. So, I typically say things lightheartedly, right? Just having that conversation. And as you’re involved in session doing the things, doing the sex, verbalize, I like when you do XY and Z, can you do this, I really want you to do that. Having that conversation can make such a beautifully pleasurable experience and make it routine. Make it a part of your dating, make it a part of your vetting of potential partners, make it a part of vetting of sexual partners, whatever floats your boat, but just add that as your dating ritual.
Jordan D’Nelle 23:31
I love that advice. And I think that that’s something that I’ve incorporated into, like I have a list of, quote, husband qualities. And one of the things on there is that they must be willing to eat me out. And they must be open to period sex, that doesn’t mean every period we’re going to have sex. But those are like a couple of requirements that I need you to be open to. And I know off the bat, if you don’t, sorry I’m going to start pounding things I’m getting so excited here, but if you don’t do those things, or you’re not willing to do those, this is not going to work.
Bridgetta Giles 24:06
I love that. I have a similar list, because I’m actually through therapy, I’m actually just getting to the place where I feel comfortable saying that I would like to be married, if that lets you know anything about me. Like I’m just now comfortable saying that. You know what? I think it would be really beautiful to have a husband that covers me. Right? That really covers me. That also means sexually. They have to be a sex positive person, right? 100% a sex positive person. They have to be open to at least the conversation, at least the conversation about what we can do, but also a conversation about Well, here’s some things that I was interested in, I would like to know your thoughts on why you don’t because it also could be a vulnerability thing and I really, really, really ensure that people understand the importance of consent in all levels of relationships. And consent applies to everyone. So, if I have a partner who’s not into PICKING, okay, not going to OBEY you, because I don’t have your consent to do so. I do want to talk about what your concerns are, but ultimately, I am not going to make you do it.
Jordan D’Nelle 25:28
I love, love, love that. Do you have your clients do a want- will- won’t list?
Bridgetta Giles 25:34
Yes, yes. And I think it’s very helpful because it sparks that conversation because I always, again, I love the upside-down triangle, where you start with something super-duper broad and then you get very specific. So, I really want to understand, okay, we won’t do this, because it really starts to me, that’s where the intimacy lies, right? The list is just tasks. But I’m trying to move us into intimacy and understanding one another. So, if you tell me, threesomes are a no, because I am fearful that you’re going to like this person more than you like me, then let’s have some deeper conversations about how you feel how safe I make you feel in this relationship.
Jordan D’Nelle 26:24
That’s so powerful right there. And I think that when it comes to threesomes in particular, that is a huge conversation. My girlfriends and I, we have conversations about three threesomes a lot, we have conversations about what our boundaries are, in engaging in threesomes with each other’s partners. Yeah, that’s definitely something that is actually like verbatim come up before and I told my play partner, I was like, hey, you know, oral was on the table, but when it comes to penetration, I need to be secured before and after, even though we’re just hooking up. And if you can’t do that for me, that’s okay. But I can’t have a penetrative threesome with you in that way with this particular individual.
Bridgetta Giles 27:09
But you feel strong enough and safe enough to voice that, right? I always encourage people, if you really lean into the discomfort, that’s my best friend’s favorite line to lean into the discomfort, if I am just mortified, and just really resistant to having these open conversations with my partner, I need to dig deep into how I see my that’s the reality of it. If I can’t have a conversation with you about something that I hope you care about, which is my pleasure, do I feel safe with you? And if I don’t feel safe with you, why am I sharing myself with you? Why am I trying to share experiences with you? If I don’t feel safe with you? So yeah, you know, me, I’m going to always get my clients to think really deeply about the decisions and be intentional always.
Jordan D’Nelle 28:10
Being intentional is so important. I’m curious, you know, we talked about communication, communicating these things. What tips do you have because communicating can be really difficult?
Bridgetta Giles 28:24
So, this is going to sound super-duper corny, but understand your partner’s learning style. Everyone learns differently. I like to say if you tell it to me, I’m going to forget. It is what it is. Show me. That might work, but that’s why the Mirror Mirror is so good. And I do this with my partners when I have them. Oh, don’t get started on my sex positive celibacy slash abstinence, struggling over here, but struggling, but honestly, just really understanding how you learn because I can verbalize it to you, but if verbally doesn’t work for you, can we write these really cute, sexy letters to one another. Sexting and if using the sexting as a means to communicate, but it’s also foreplay, right? Pictures. Let’s watch some video ethical porn that we paid for. Well, let’s watch some ethical porn that we pay for together and just kind of talk about what we’re seeing. . . Oh, I like when she did this. But I like it on me like that. Just learning that learning style so that you can communicate in a way that your partner can receive. So that’s an extra tip.
Jordan D’Nelle 29:49
Right? My personal favorite is sexting. I find that to be the easiest way to convey something but it’s also super sexy. This is what I really would love to incorporate in our next experience. Or is sending ethical porn back and forth in like, Hey, this is really cool, What do you think about that? That can just help start those conversations in a very non-pressure situation.
Bridgetta Giles 30:13
Yes. So, I was seeing this person about three, four years ago. It’s been a long time. And he had difficulty communicating. He was very bashful. I don’t know how I ended up with a bashful person, but I did. So even meets, talking about it, he was blushing and all kinds of stuff. So, I started sending videos of me doing different things, to show him and to articulate to him in a way that he was a, because he was bashful, but he was anxious. He was really, really anxious about what we’re talking about. So yeah, so I sent videos of me pleasuring myself in ways that I wanted him to understand. And I was very honest with him about why I was doing it. Like, I know, you get a little nervous when we talk about it, so the conversations aren’t very productive because you’re giggling and then I started giggling because you’re giggling. So, I wanted to do it this way. At first, I asked, Is it okay if I send a video to you? And that my vagina is in the video. And he was like, Okay. And I said, Before you freak out, I don’t want to take you faster than you trying to go. But I want to show you some things that I like, because we keep getting our wires crossed and joking around. But I really want you to get these like, yes. So, he did, he understood the assignment. I feel like he studied it, he did very well. He did very well. Yay for that lad. But in turn, he sent me a video, he asked, of course, he sent me a video. And he really articulated in his video how he likes to be touched. And I always tell people, you have to you can’t fuck your partner the way you fucked your last. You just can’t, you can’t go in with the same P and the same V that you gave the other person because that other person likes these things, you don’t know what this person likes. And so, what he was showing me in his video was very much so different from how I would handle his penis or how I would suck his penis or anything like that. I’m so glad you showed me this because this gives me ideas, and I gotta go on my wheelhouse real quick. And so, we laughed about it. But having those conversations because we decided to do something different to communicate our pleasure and our desires.
Jordan D’Nelle 32:44
I love that idea of using videos though, because you’re right, like, for some people, maybe he just needed to study it a little bit. And we don’t all like the same thing. None of us like the same thing. We are all unique. What works for me definitely doesn’t work for you. Maybe there’s some similarities, but not necessarily.
Bridgetta Giles 33:09
Not the same, right. I think that that’s an important thing for people to realize that we are not all the same. Right? Not all penises are the same; not all vaginas are the same. Some people will love clitoral stimulation. Some really do not. Some people don’t; some people really like penetration, some people really don’t. So, figuring that out having those conversations and the how, you know, some people like oral sex to be really sloppy. Some people don’t like all that extra. I am not one of those people.
Jordan D’Nelle 33:45
I love that. Yeah, yeah, I’ve had to be trained how to be extra. But again, you learn what each partner likes and how they like it. And then you’re able to tailor the experience to bring them the most pleasure because at the end of the day, that’s what this is about. It’s about bringing pleasure to yourself, to your partner, and having this big pleasurable experience that may or may not end an orgasm because orgasm is not the end all be all for pleasure.
Bridgetta Giles 34:20
It is not. There’s such beauty in the journey. And I think that that is such a big lesson . . that people are just trying to get to the orgasm. I gotta make my partner orgasm. I got orgasm. Well, you are missing such beautiful moments in between. I love the intimacy. I love a vocal partner and I love the dialogue. I love the feeling like it almost feels like the room spins just a little bit when you’re so wrapped up in one another. That’s such a beautiful thing. Don’t speed pass it to get to an orgasm.
Jordan D’Nelle 34:58
Yes, I love that. This has been such a phenomenal conversation and I just love talking with you. Do you want to share? What is one thing that you want the listeners to take away from today’s conversation?
Bridgetta Giles 35:15
Two things: the first is be intentional with your pleasure. Be intentional. Steady your body, steady yourself. We didn’t talk about this before, but fine. Some of us, and I say I’m definitely going to say me because I have walked this journey for a very long time but love every part of yourself. Figure out how to do that. For me, it really was looking at the mirror, like making myself look at myself naked regularly, and complimenting myself and affirming my appreciation for my body as it is. Now do I want to be healthier? Absolutely. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I have to live in the body that I’m in right now. So be intentional with love of self, be intentional with your pleasure, be intentional with communication of your pleasure. So that’s part one. Part two is address any barriers to your pleasure, addressed the barriers, take responsibility and agency over your sexual experiences by addressing what’s preventing you from living a truly pleasurable life. And again, that’s not just sexual. That is, I go to a job every single solitary day and I hate it and my day is full of dread and despair. What are you going to do about it? Because you deserve joy. You deserve to put yourself in places that you will be joyful. So, what are you going to do to actually have that? That’s what I mean. So be intentional and prioritize your pleasure in that way to address barriers.
Jordan D’Nelle 36:55
Yes. I love it. I love that. I think that’s a great takeaway. And where can listeners find you?
Bridgetta Giles 37:04
I am on Instagram at Say It to Me Nice podcast I have a podcast all about sex, intimacy; I say the word fuck a lot because it’s my favorite word. We just have a really good time over there. I’m also on Instagram love my coaching Page or my independent contractor sexuality expert page is SexPositive_CFLE because I’m a certified family life educator by education. You can find me on TikTok when they’re not banning me. I just came off of an entire weeklong ban and I am salty about it. But I am at Say It to Me Nice podcast. If you are interested in having me come on to assist you moderate or to moderate a room. I am on Clubhouse at Say it To Me Nice.
Jordan D’Nelle 37:56
Love it! I will put all of those in the show notes so that the listeners can find you and yes, you got to check out her podcast. So phenomenal! Say It To Me Nice. It is wonderful, highly recommended. And yes, thank you so much for joining me today.
Bridgetta Giles 38:11
Thank you. It’s a pleasure. Thank you for having me. I’m so honored. Thank you.
Jordan D’Nelle 38:16
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